Jason graduated university at the top of his class. He double-majored in History & Economics and was particularly interested in helping create developmental prescriptions for underdeveloped regions. He knew that there was a possibility that he wouldn’t get his dream job straight out of university, but two years in, he wasn’t expecting to be unemployed and concerned for what he would eat every day. This was a season of trouble and he was dreading it.
Our parents had to do less of this than we did; of that, I’m sure.
We are part of a generation of men and women who live in a society that dictates that it is absolutely lawless to have a best friend with the same private part as you do. Your best friend MUST be someone of the opposite sex.
Now, I’m not bashing opposite sex best friends because it is highly likely that if I am forced to state the name of a best friend the name would most likely belong to someone of the opposite sex. I love my male friends. You will most likely find me in the company of someone who is male and more often than not that male friend will be single.
As I get older, I’m finding that the level of closeness that I share with my male friends has decreased significantly and I’ll share with you why: My male friends are finding themselves in relationships with women who aren’t me and I automatically find myself doing something of great importance when they do.
It really started to hit home for me when one of my best liming buddies found himself in a relationship.
One time the guy and I planned to eat and go catch a movie together an entire week before the date. As a matter of fact, he was the one who lamented that we had not hung out in some time so we should catch up. But before we headed to the movies I needed to make a short stop to pick up some girl stuff at a particular store. So we ducked in, I picked up the stuff and I’m about to pay for my items.
I’m looking into a far off land because the conversation really has not a thing to do with me but I’m certainly not expecting what’s about to come.
“Chadia, I gotta go to Timbuktu. Jasmine needs me to come do the groceries with her.”
And I am serious as a heart attack. Well he didn’t have to go to Timbuktu (it was a bit of a distance from where we were) but he did leave to go and help his girl do the groceries on his PA11 (no ride which is quite common for someone within our age bracket in the Caribbean region).
You can imagine that I’m upset. I’m upset not because he ditched me. But I’m upset because I’m an introvert who needs to gather up a tremendous amount of energy to leave my house and I had just done that. I’m upset because an hour before I had turned down FREE food to hang with him. I am very very upset because I now have to tread back to a house with only CRIX in my cupboard when I was just offered AMAZING free food.
Does anyone understand my dilemma?
Anyways, when I was done being pissed, and called my sister to laugh at what had just happened, I sat on my bed and spoke to myself because that’s just what normal people do. I said to my self, “Chadia, he has an obligation to the woman that he committed to. You are not his woman. What he did was perfectly fine (Not… after I had cleared my day). ” But seeing that he did not see it fit, I would NEVER tell the young man to tell his girlfriend, “Babe, I had plans with Chadia for a week prior and since this isn’t an emergency, would it be alright if I came after?”
Now some of you are saying, “Girl, the man should have told his girl that he had plans. This isn’t an emergency.”
And I’m saying, “Some of y’all be tripping.” Hahaha.
This what our generation doesn’t understand: Redefining Relationships (this is also the thing I automatically do).
When I speak of redefining relationships, I speak of change. It requires one to examine the terms and conditions of a particular relationship and to make the changes necessary where interaction and commitment are concerned. This is for the sake of guarding one’s heart as well as for the sake of the guardianship of other hearts.
I know that some of you all don’t want to hear this, but I must say it: Redefining relationships are important when your friends of the opposite sex enter into committed relationships or make a commitment in marriage to men and women who are not you. This has always been a personal rule of mine and it has only served me well.
More often than not, friendships fill some need/void in our lives. As much as we don’t wish to admit it, the truth is that when two single people of the opposite sex share, interact and spend quality time there is always the potential for more to happen. I think I can only pick about 4 of my many male friends for which there is absolutely NO potential. Even then, I can’t say 0%.
Now this may not apply to ALL your friends of the opposite sex, but if you take some time to examine why you are friends with the men that you’re friends with you’ll begin to see the bits that fall into the category of potential: similar sense of humor, similar stance on faith, similar hobbies and interests, etc.
Are you crazy? I was here first.
Yes you were. But please allow me to burst your bubble.
The moment that your friend decided to commence a relationship with someone who isn’t you, that friend inadvertently decided that someone who isn’t you should take first priority and he relegated you to a secondary priority.
I am not saying that this friend no longer cares about you. I’m simply saying that he– as he should – has reorganized the roles of various people (including yours) in their lives, and you should be happy to accommodate and encourage that shift, change or redefinition.
Where did you get this hogwash from?
Hey, my principle has Biblical foundations.
In accordance with Biblical principle, when a man becomes married, it is a divine expectation that there is to be a reorganization of roles/redefinition of roles with his parents – the most prominent and first relationship in his life. He is expected to leave his parents and cleave to his spouse. The same can be applied to other relationships.
He is also going to have to leave some friends in the name of cleaving. And sometimes when he can’t do it – if you happen to be the friend that needs to be left – for his sake and his spouse’s sake, it will come down to you to do the right thing: Redefine.
Feel free to like, share, ask questions or comment. Oh, and if you like what you’ve read so far, there’s more where that came from in my book Being A Virgin Isn’t Enough.
You saw him just as you were about to make entrance into the maxi. His beauty was so astonishing that you let your eyes linger backward for a while and then you bumped your head on your way in. As far as you were concerned this was a small price to pay to look at someone who so aptly testified of the existence of God. Mhmm! The brother was fine!
Really? There were men besides Shemar Moore who were this good looking?
Ah well, it’s a pity that you weren’t going to meet him. Or…Hallelujah! It appeared that fate was on your side this blessed day because you saw him running and signaling to the driver that he had every intention of taking a seat on this maxi.
He enters the bus, a slight heave in his breath, the result of his short sprint toward the maxi. He was tall, muscled and his cologne smelt just right.
Your heart beat a little faster when you realized that he was about to settle his bottom on the seat next to yours. You had no intention of speaking to him but hey, he was attractive. You quickly glanced at the second finger on his left hand to see if the band that screamed unavailability sat on his hand. But there was none.
Your hopes inched higher.
And then you heard, “Hey, I’m Chris. I’ve seen you around on hall before. What’s your name?”
What? Did he just speak to you? Did this fine man just calmly say, “Hey” and volunteer his name to you?
You muster up the courage to say, “I’m Kay. This is the first time that I’m seeing you. But good to know that you are a fellow Gargoyle.” For some reason your voice managed not to give you away. You didn’t sound like you were about to throw up on your shirt something that would no doubt be a product of the giddiness that came from this gorgeous man “hollering” at you.
The next thing you knew the two of you were chatting like you were long lost friends. The conversation was so intense that you didn’t even realize that your stop was approaching. You quickly hustled your book – the one that you hadn’t read two words from yet – and your phone to place them in the side bag that you were carrying, while still trying to cling to every word of his.
He asked you what the rush was and you told him that your stop was 3 minutes away. He quickly asked you to call out your digits so that he could “check” you on WhatsApp. He could be like every other guy, lose your digits and never send you a text message or give you a call but he could be different. He could call you. He could send you a text message.
That prospect excited you.
And just like that, you let your imagination run wild with it. You’d thought about your wedding dress, what type of husband you thought he would be based on the bus ride convo that you all just had, what song you’d sing to him at your wedding, the look of awe and the haze of mist that would cloud his vision when your dad walked you down the aisle and what your children would look like.
8 years ago, I was a seventeen year old 6th Form Student at the Sir Arthur Lewis Community College. Most of my peers had already had their first kiss and some were looking to explore and take things a step further by engaging in sexual intercourse. I can’t say that I ever felt pressured to join the band-wagon. Kissing, sex and boyfriends were very low on my interest totem pole. But it did get me thinking and asking a lot of questions. Why was I doing what I was doing? And though I wasn’t interested then, my thoughts were if I became interested at say, 21, why would I wait until marriage to have sex? Why had I made this promise to my 11 year old self?
As Christians we are taught that sexual intercourse should be reserved for the marital bed. We are taught that intercourse if not practiced within the right boundaries – right boundaries being marriage – is a sin, not just against God but against our own bodies. But still we ask the question. “Why?” There has to be something behind the request by God.
Some people will reply “Because the Bible says that we should not fornicate” and others will say, “because every time you have sex with someone you form a bond with that person and any other person that he/she has engaged in sexual intercourse with.”
While neither of these are wrong answers, I still found my self questioning the merits of the principle of NO PREMARITAL SEX. So to satisfy my curiosity, I did some research, spoke to some people, and I was able to come to a conclusion. It is a bit of a scriptural lesson meshed in with some biology, and well within the grasp of understanding for almost any young person. I am most certain that most young people would have encountered the words used here in a health class.
I pray that even as I type this, that God would give me the wisdom and the right words to say to bring across the value of his request that we remain pure. I pray that lives will be changed and that the young men and women will choose to embark on a path of purity.
For The Ladies: Old Testament & New Testament Meets Up
This verse is not gender/sex biased but for the purpose of this explanation, we will look at only the woman’s body as a temple.
Now that this has been established, think about the temple in the Old Testament. There were rules and restrictions which governed the housing place of the presence of God, and there was a process which preceded entry into the the place of complete intimacy with God. Before entering the Holy of Holies, it was necessary for the priest to unveil a number of openings: the outer courts, the holy place, the brazen altar, etc.
By the time the priest arrived at the point of complete intimacy (Holy of Holies), he was naked and vulnerable. He had already done so much. He had unveiled all these other openings, he had risked his life several times because if there was any violation of rules and process it was equal to his death; but most of all, he was just plain grateful to be chosen for the privilege to meet with God on such a deep and intense level.
Ladies if you think about the way in which you establish intimacy with a man – or gentlemen if you think about the work that you need to put in to be able to get a girl – you will begin to see parallels between what the priests had to endure and what a woman may require of a man before she fully allows him to unveil her.
Most women require men who will reach them mentally, spiritually and emotionally. After he has unveiled all these parts then the woman may allow him to fully unveil her whereby he can reach a point of complete intimacy with her. This is the point where one may choose to engage in sexual intercourse.
I keep making reference to the word priest because in the Old Testament not just anyone could enter the Holy of Holies. A human being not ordained as priest would not be given the privilege of entering this inner sanctum.
Furthermore, not just any human being could be ordained as priest. The priest had to come specifically from the lineage of Aaron (a particular spiritual lineage) and the priest had to meet certain dress and conduct requirements. In other words, the priest had to be clean or he would defile the temple.
I feel like a cave holding the value of content that could make me a billionaire has just been opened. It is tempting to explore the requirements that the priest had to meet and compare it to the requirements that a woman’s mate would need to meet but I will restrict myself because this blog post isn’t about how to choose a mate. I’ll keep it simple and say that in this case, the requirement that the priest has to meet is the requirement of being your husband.
This means that every man who is not your husband that you allow to get to that point of complete intimacy as achieved via sexual intercourse is defiling your body. You are doing him and yourself an injustice and just as it led to death in the Old Testament it will lead to death in some form in your life. It may not be a physical death, but it will lead to some form of death; emotional and certainly spiritual.
In short, allowing a man to engage in sexual intercourse with you means that you are allowing him to enter the Holy of Holies.
Thinking of my body as a temple and viewing complete intimacy as akin to reaching the Holy of Holies gave my purity an extreme sense of worth because I have understood the extreme closeness and vulnerability which getting to that place requires. I also understand the profound pleasure which it brings and if sex under the right conditions can be compared to, or even come close to the intimacy that I find in God’s presence – the Holy of Holies – then I must conclude that it is absolutely phenomenal. I also understand that the person who is allowed to enter the Holy of Holies must be my priest for everything to fall into place.
For The Priests: Gentlemen?
I came across a Latin phrase often used by historians, “testis unus, testis nulls” meaning “one witness, no witness.” I like this phrase because it helps me to establish the understanding of the word testes as plural of testis and thus plural of the English word witness, thus witnesses.
“Witness to what?” you may ask.
Your testicles (testes), in the most basic or primal sense are witness to your virility as a man, but the testes also act as witnesses to the acts of the penis. They can sometimes be such telling witnesses that they will leave/give great evidence of the whereabouts of the penis. And by that, I mean that they are the origination of a man’s seed, and thus they can leave evidence in the form of a child.
But let’s look at how this is interpreted in regards to your purity.
For a man, intercourse establishes priesthood of the temple. Every time a man engages in intercourse with a woman there is entry of the phallus (penis) into the vagina. For a Christian man, your testes have borne witness of entry into the temple. You are testifying that you are the priest and that you have the right to enter the Holy of Holies. You are emphatically stating that you have met the requirements to enter the temple. You are in essence bearing witness to being this woman’s husband.
Gentlemen, please do not allow your body to be false witnesses. Do not enter a temple if you are not qualified to do so. As noted above, if you do not meet the requirements for entering the Holy of Holies then you are in essence asking for death. It may not be death in its literal form but death in a spiritual form or death in an emotional form. Therefore, my brothers, I urge you to enter temples only where you are the priest, temples where you have the right to go, and temples that you are incapable of defiling (Yup, I sounded a little like Paul here but you catch my drift). You may only have sex with your WIFE.
I am hoping that if you think of your girlfriend’s body as the Holy of Holies, that place of complete intimacy, almost reverence, then you will be persuaded to wait until you have met your requirements. I am also hoping and praying that when you understand the consequences which defiling a temple holds that this understanding will also persuade you to wait.
The Significance of Blood
When most women have sex for the first time, a vessel located somewhere at the opening of the vagina filled with blood (the hymen) is broken. For some men, loss of their virginity also results in bleeding.
Blood also continues to play a significant role in sexual intercourse post virginity. It is common knowledge that a man’s erection is formed as a result of blood, but it isn’t very well known that blood is what also stimulates the arousal of a woman.
This is very significant because in the Old Testament anytime blood was shed it was symbolic of the ink which seals a contract.
Blood was also used during a priest’s ordination. In the Old Testament, the ordination of a priest would include the sprinkling of blood on the garment of the priest. I see this as also very significant to the understanding of the covering of blood upon the man’s penis when he engages in intercourse with a woman who is a virgin. It is akin to the sealing of a contract. It is the establishment of specific spiritual roles. For a Christian, the terms and agreements of a sexual contract should always be as follows: WIFE and HUSBAND.
I hope that this blog post clarifies why sex before marriage is not something that should be taken lightly. It’s not as simple as deciding on whether or not you’re going to have a fantastic honeymoon.
First, and most importantly your decision to wait is pleasing to God but it is also important to remember that there are physical and spiritual implications.
Having said this, there are young men and women who will read this post and will feel like they have already violated the terms and agreements of sexual purity; there are those who feel that their temples have been defiled and those who feel that they have defiled temples. To you, I say that all hope is not lost. God is the God of restoration. These temples can be cleaned out and you can be restored to a point of sexual purity. All you have to do is to dedicate your body to God, make the commitment and He will honor it.