You Are Not His Woman

Our parents had to do less of this than we did; of that, I’m sure.

We are part of a generation of men and women who live in a society that dictates that it is absolutely lawless to have a best friend with the same private part as you do. Your best friend MUST be someone of the opposite sex.

Now, I’m not bashing opposite sex best friends because it is highly likely that if I am forced to state the name of a best friend the name would most likely belong to someone of the opposite sex. I love my male friends. You will most likely find me in the company of someone who is male and more often than not that male friend will be single.

As I get older, I’m finding that the level of closeness that I share with my male friends has decreased significantly and I’ll share with you why: My male friends are finding themselves in relationships with women who aren’t me and I automatically find myself doing something of great importance when they do.

It really started to hit home for me when one of my best liming buddies found himself in a relationship.

One time the guy and I planned to eat and go catch a movie together an entire week before the date. As a matter of fact, he was the one who lamented that we had not hung out in some time so we should catch up. But before we headed to the movies I needed to make a short stop to pick up some girl stuff at a particular store. So we ducked in, I picked up the stuff and I’m about to pay for my items.

*Ring ring*

I’m looking into a far off land because the conversation really has not a thing to do with me but I’m certainly not expecting what’s about to come.

“Chadia, I gotta go to Timbuktu. Jasmine needs me to come do the groceries with her.”

And I am serious as a heart attack. Well he didn’t have to go to Timbuktu (it was a bit of a distance from where we were) but he did leave to go and help his girl do the groceries on his PA11 (no ride which is quite common for someone within our age bracket in the Caribbean region).

You can imagine that I’m upset. I’m upset not because he ditched me. But I’m upset because I’m an introvert who needs to gather up a tremendous amount of energy to leave my house and I had just done that. I’m upset because an hour before I had turned down FREE food to hang with him. I am very very upset because I now have to tread back to a house with only CRIX in my cupboard when I was just offered AMAZING free food.

Does anyone understand my dilemma?

Anyways, when I was done being pissed, and called my sister to laugh at what had just happened, I sat on my bed and spoke to myself because that’s just what normal people do. I said to my self, “Chadia, he has an obligation to the woman that he committed to. You are not his woman. What he did was perfectly fine (Not… after I had cleared my day). ” But seeing that he did not see it fit, I would NEVER tell the young man to tell his girlfriend, “Babe, I had plans with Chadia for a week prior and since this isn’t an emergency, would it be alright if I came after?”

Now some of you are saying, “Girl, the man should have told his girl that he had plans. This isn’t an emergency.”

And I’m saying, “Some of y’all be tripping.” Hahaha.

This what our generation doesn’t understand: Redefining Relationships (this is also the thing I automatically do).

When I speak of redefining relationships, I speak of change. It requires one to examine the terms and conditions of a particular relationship and to make the changes necessary where interaction and commitment are concerned. This is for the sake of guarding one’s heart as well as for the sake of the guardianship of other hearts.

I know that some of you all don’t want to hear this, but I must say it: Redefining relationships are important when your friends of the opposite sex enter into committed relationships or make a commitment in marriage to men and women who are not you. This has always been a personal rule of mine and it has only served me well.

More often than not, friendships fill some need/void in our lives. As much as we don’t wish to admit it, the truth is that when two single people of the opposite sex share, interact and spend quality time there is always the potential for more to happen. I think I can only pick about 4 of my many male friends for which there is absolutely NO potential. Even then, I can’t say 0%.

Now this may not apply to ALL your friends of the opposite sex, but if you take some time to examine why you are friends with the men that you’re friends with you’ll begin to see the bits that fall into the category of potential: similar sense of humor, similar stance on faith, similar hobbies and interests, etc.

Are you crazy? I was here first.
Yes you were. But please allow me to burst your bubble.

The moment that your friend decided to commence a relationship with someone who isn’t you, that friend inadvertently decided that someone who isn’t you should take first priority and he relegated you to a secondary priority.

I am not saying that this friend no longer cares about you. I’m simply saying that he– as he should – has reorganized the roles of various people (including yours) in their lives, and you should be happy to accommodate and encourage that shift, change or redefinition.

Where did you get this hogwash from?

Hey, my principle has Biblical foundations.

In accordance with Biblical principle, when a man becomes married, it is a divine expectation that there is to be a reorganization of roles/redefinition of roles with his parents – the most prominent and first relationship in his life. He is expected to leave his parents and cleave to his spouse. The same can be applied to other relationships.

He is also going to have to leave some friends in the name of cleaving. And sometimes when he can’t do it – if you happen to be the friend that needs to be left – for his sake and his spouse’s sake, it will come down to you to do the right thing: Redefine.

Feel free to like, share, ask questions or comment. Oh, and if you like what you’ve read so far, there’s more where that came from in my book Being A Virgin Isn’t Enough.


The Pseudo Husband

You saw him just as you were about to make entrance into the maxi. His beauty was so astonishing that you let your eyes linger backward for a while and then you bumped your head on your way in. As far as you were concerned this was a small price to pay to look at someone who so aptly testified of the existence of God. Mhmm! The brother was fine!

Really? There were men besides Shemar Moore who were this good looking?

Ah well, it’s a pity that you weren’t going to meet him. Or…Hallelujah! It appeared that fate was on your side this blessed day because you saw him running and signaling to the driver that he had every intention of taking a seat on this maxi.

He enters the bus, a slight heave in his breath, the result of his short sprint toward the maxi. He was tall, muscled and his cologne smelt just right.

Your heart beat a little faster when you realized that he was about to settle his bottom on the seat next to yours. You had no intention of speaking to him but hey, he was attractive. You quickly glanced at the second finger on his left hand to see if the band that screamed unavailability sat on his hand. But there was none.

Your hopes inched higher.

And then you heard, “Hey, I’m Chris. I’ve seen you around on hall before. What’s your name?”

What? Did he just speak to you? Did this fine man just calmly say, “Hey” and volunteer his name to you?

You muster up the courage to say, “I’m Kay. This is the first time that I’m seeing you. But good to know that you are a fellow Gargoyle.” For some reason your voice managed not to give you away. You didn’t sound like you were about to throw up on your shirt something that would no doubt be a product of the giddiness that came from this gorgeous man “hollering” at you.

The next thing you knew the two of you were chatting like you were long lost friends. The conversation was so intense that you didn’t even realize that your stop was approaching. You quickly hustled your book – the one that you hadn’t read two words from yet – and your phone to place them in the side bag that you were carrying, while still trying to cling to every word of his.

He asked you what the rush was and you told him that your stop was 3 minutes away. He quickly asked you to call out your digits so that he could “check” you on WhatsApp. He could be like every other guy, lose your digits and never send you a text message or give you a call but he could be different. He could call you. He could send you a text message.

That prospect excited you.

And just like that, you let your imagination run wild with it. You’d thought about your wedding dress, what type of husband you thought he would be based on the bus ride convo that you all just had, what song you’d sing to him at your wedding, the look of awe and the haze of mist that would cloud his vision when your dad walked you down the aisle and what your children would look like.